Letters To Elliot
by Roe99
Summary: Elliot left and Olivia blames herself, Elliot won't take her calls and she has gotten a promotion and is going to leave. she writes him a letter and lets all her feelings out. it's M for future smut will get dark, then light, i promise! CHAPTER 8 IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

**SUMMARY: Olivia is morning the loss of Elliot alone and decides to write him a letter telling him she is leaving. It will get better with some love soon let me know how I'm doing!**

"…If he hated you, he'd just walk right out of your life…"

That one line reverberated inside my head since Elliot left me sitting in the squad room with a dead sister Peg draped over my blood soaked legs. Bernadette Stabler had spoken that one line to Kathleen while she was locked up for burglary and for some reason it has always stuck in my head, glued to my frontal lobe where whenever I have a doubt of my self worth it somehow comes to the front of my thoughts all consuming me until I realize that it was true.

I know it must be selfish of me to think that the only reason he left was to escape me, and I know that he has his other reasons; one being that he may think everyone would judge him and think of him as a child murderer. What he doesn't understand is we all know what happened and that he didn't have another option. I know that this thought has stuck with him and this is why I have drawn the conclusion that he must have been sick of my baggage and me.

Elliot is the only person who knows every flaw I have, every thought—well almost every thought—and every move before I make it. When he left he took a part of my soul with him. He didn't just rip away the piece that I could talk to about anything; he took the one sense of stability and love that I had that kept me sane. Now that he has left me in this utter state of depravity.

As I sit alone nursing what has turned into my third bourbon on the rocks I think about all the good and bad times we have had together; I think about how our former partnership and casual friendship evolved into this complex creature with a mind of its own. I think of how we were mere millimeters away from changing our lives into a more complex and more beautiful thing. That is until that thought was ripped away by a beautiful girl with a messed up life, it's funny how all the things that happen in your life come back to bite you. The girl, so similar to me ends up being the one who tears what little sense of dignity I have with one gunshot.

I down the last bit of my drink and empty the bottle into my glass. I also reflect on how Elliot has treated me since I last saw or spoke to him. At first I believed that he was upset and needed time, I gave him time. When Captain Cragen asked me into his office to tell me the news I was heart broken but still believed that he would come back to me if not the unit. I figured the unit was going to be too much to ask but I don't believe your best friend of 15 years deserves to be thrown out with the bathwater— as they say. When I continued to call him and text him, almost begging just for him to tell me "Liv- I'm okay." I thought maybe he is upset that I didn't call him right away, or maybe he needs more time. When I finally began to think it was me was when I tried to call him last week to inform him of my promotion or at least leave him a voice mail to invite him to the ceremony, in hopes he would show up, was when I received an operator informing me that the number was disconnected and to check the number and try again. I knew it wasn't the number because by now I knew it by heart. That is when I realized that he must despise me to his deepest being. Only someone who cares nothing for you would leave you in such an awful way.

The only time that I've ever felt this low was after visiting his mother and learning that he didn't have the dream life I always pictured him with. What hurt even more was knowing that after everything I have shared with him that he did not trust me enough to even give me a run down of his life story. I had no idea what kind of hell he went through and the thought of him not being able to trust me the way I trusted him comes very close to the feeling of him leaving me to live out the rest of my days regretting and unknown thing in my life that drove away the one thing that I love... Elliot.

I decided then and there that if he wasn't going to hear me out by phone I'd do it the old fashioned way.

I trudged over to my barely used desk and pulled out a pen and paper.

_Elliot,_

_ I understand that you don't want to talk to me. I have come to realize that you didn't leave simply because of the shooting. Elliot I know that I have told you nearly everything in my life and I now realize that I never asked what was wrong with yours. I see now that this was my greatest flaw. I want to apologize for that and every other thing that I have done that has ever harmed you. I would also like to thank you for the support you have given me over the years. I also want you to know that after my promotion I will be leaving and never coming back, I don't expect you to follow me or call or even give a damn but I would like you to know that my relation ship with you was not going to be over after the shooting. I do NOT blame you for anything you did. I do how ever blame you for not allowing me to tell you this in person. I had been waiting to tell you since I got back from Oregon but things kept getting in the way. After the shooting I waited for you to reach out to me, when you didn't I kept calling and always wanted to leave you a weepy voicemail to get you to call me back but I didn't and don't want to be the girl who chases after the man who doesn't care about her. What I'm trying to say Elliot is that I care about you enough to let you go and by letting you go I am letting everyone go, including SVU. When you finish this, if you don't throw it away right away, know that this is the last time you will hear from me. _

_I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world._

_I love you Elliot,_

_Olivia_

I joined that letter with the necklace he had given me and sealed the envelope. On to a different day.

**A/N please let me know if I should continue I hope to do an Elliot POV next and eventually work in some smut ;) since that's how I roll. Please let me know what you think! - Roe **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N okay so short chapter but just wanted to let you see where it is headed! Thanks to my reviewers! Please continue to read and make me happy with reviews! - Roe**

As I sat there wanting, waiting, hoping that Elliot would show up. I know it's selfish of me to want my personal life to be as amazing as my work life. I have gotten a promotion and am switching to the Los Angelis SVU with higher pay, more perks, and less Vics. While after my failure with David, which happened after I wasn't good enough for Elliot, my personal life has consisted of watching I Love Lucy re runs and eating Double Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream. I've also gained some weight since I haven't been chasing down as many suspects, all though most of it went to my boobs, I would be nice for someone – Elliot – to notice. God I miss him.

"Olivia, my office!" I hear Cap yell into the almost empty squad room, as it was almost 2 in the morning. I slowly rise from my chair and saunter towards his door. Once inside he hands me an envelope.

"It came to me, I didn't open it, go home and get some rest for your ceremony tomorrow."

I take the official looking envelope and grab my coat. As I am waiting for the elevator I begin to pick at the sides of the letter until it opens for me. I was more than disappointed when it was, instead of a love letter back to me from Elliot, but a letter from LA SVU. It read:

_To Ms. Olivia Benson, _

_ We regret to inform you that the Los Angelis SVU has already filled the open spot with someone who does not have to relocate. We apologize for the mix up and hope that you can solve your problem with your captain._

_Thank you,_

_Captain McGenty _

Well that idea was a bust. I decide that speaking to my captain about it could wait for tomorrow, after I make an ass of myself at my promotion ceremony.

I hailed a taxi and slid into it trying to touch as little as I could. I didn't need a cold on top of my love life being over.

When the taxi dropped me off I did not notice the black jeep parked in the visitors spot, nor the person inside watching me. Since it was almost 3 and I didn't feel like tackling the stairs in my walk up I decided to sit out front for a while.

I plopped down on the top step and reflected on my life. I thought about all the things that brought me to this moment; all the Vics, all the perps, Fin, Munch, Cragen, Star, Dean, David, and then… Elliot. Some how my mind always takes me back to Elliot… I wonder where he is right now, I wonder if he still thinks about me then I remember that he left because of me and the only thoughts he probably has about me are ones of contempt. I doubt he even remembers the way to read me, or how I smell, or the color of my eyes… that's when my eyes fill up with tears, and since no one is around I finally let them fall. On the front steps of my building I let my tears flow freely down my face as I sob openly. It feels good to finally let it all out.

After I sob for what seems like hours I pick myself up off of the stoop and straighten my clothes. I get my keys and walk inside. I remember then how much Elliot hated when I cried, especially when he was the cause. I wonder what he thinks now, I wonder if he knows how much pain he has caused me or if he even cares anymore.

I am too tired to try and get ready for bed I just simply strip and climb in bed. The next day was supposed to be one of the best days of my life and I had no one to share it with. I remember what I said to Elliot in that letter and I have the slightest hope that maybe just maybe he may still care about me, I shake my head against my pillow and dash all of those hopes I had for a long life with him out of my head. "He's gone," I say to myself, "and he's never coming back."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N like and I'll continue (also try to find the Coldplay reference!) sorry another short chapter but I promise it will get better:)

THE NEXT NIGHT

"Hey Cap?" I say timidly as I knock on our captain's office door.

"Hey Olivia, what's up?"

"LASVU doesn't have a spot for me… I need out of here after my promotion, where can I go?"

"Let me check in West Palm Beach Florida, I saw something about a retirement party in the news letter." He picked up the phone as I took a seat. I hoped that there would be something somewhere since I had already mailed the letter.

"… Yes sir, great worker… And that Detective Olivia Benson... Yes sir! All right thank you!" the receiver slammed down making me jump, "You leave tomorrow after the ceremony. They have an apartment ready; a detective Rob will be escorting you there. See you tomorrow Liv."

"Thanks Cap."

I leave with both a heavy and light heart. I am happy for the fact that I am getting a fresh start, a clean plate. I feel terrible that that requires leaving the only place I've ever known to escape the closest people I've ever had to a family.

I arrive home and head upstairs to begin packing my car for the long trip ahead.

ELLIOT POV.

I've been keeping my distance, waiting for the perfect moment to jump back into Olivia's life headfirst. I keep going over the scenarios in my head, the good and the bad. The best being myself proposing marriage and her accepting and creating a family together, the worst being I knock on the door and she won't even answer.

I feel like a stalker. After her calls stopped I began visiting her apartment once a week and try to see her shadowy figure go across her drapes to let me know she is still here. Then it turned into ever other night, then every night, and now I pretty much follow her everywhere. I guess you could say I am stalking her, but who cares, it's my way of dealing with my sorry excuse for a life.

As I watched her the other night, I saw the tears come streaming down her face. All I wanted to do was to run up and hug her, tell her everything was going to be all right and I loved her. Yes I love Olivia Benson and no I do not have any balls to tell her. Every time I get up the nerve someone else comes into the picture.

As I watch her step out of her cab I see something new in her features, something that reminds me of the darkest time in our friendship other than now, Oregon. When she left me. I know she is getting a promotion tomorrow but that shouldn't mean anything other than a new chapter… a new chapter in her carrier without me.

I sit and wait to see her shadow pass her window like always but instead I see an early model black mustang pull out of the garage for her building and back up to the front of her building. Olivia steps out of the driver's side and re enters her building. I am beginning to question what is going on here.

Olivia comes out again carrying a large box; well this could be anything I think. This could be her old clothes she doesn't want anymore, or maybe some books she has finished with. It soon becomes harder to blow off when she appears with more and more boxes, and suitcases, and duffels. Finally I see her uniform blues hang in the rear window and with one last trip, she grabs her purse and keys. I contemplate what is happening, where she could be going with so much stuff. I watch her pull out and leave a trail of dust behind her. I cannot make sense of this at all. Why would she be leaving in the dead of night with so much stuff?

OLIVIA POV

I figured that the sooner I move my stuff out the sooner I can move on. I finished up with loading my car and kept getting the feeling of someone watching me. I hurry it up and with one last look at my barely lived in apartment I lock the door.

This chapter of my life is over, time to write my own ending.

A/N next stop, the promotion!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Okay so I will be jumping a lot between characters so try to stay with me! And thanks to my wonderful reviewers! Love you all! **

OLIVIA POV

I stayed in the cribs for the whole night. I attempted to sleep, if you could call it that, and like I do every night I reflect on the things I could have done differently. By the time four o'clock rolls around I am too awake to try and fake sleep anymore. I get up and head down for a nice long workout. Since Elliot left, I have been doing that more often. I usually work out until the only thing I can think about is the ache in my muscles and not the ache in my heart.

After my workout I take a long shower, I scrub every nook and cranny and shave my legs to their silky soft perfection. It's almost six thirty and my promotion is downtown which means I need to leave in half an hour to make it there early for my eight o'clock promotional ceremony.

I pull my hair up in a towel and proceed to put on my dress blues. I have to wear the full ensemble, including the hat. I put on the pants and jacket, and after finishing, I dry my hair and put it into a loose bun at the base of my skull, a few wispy hairs falling out and framing my face. It still looks clean, but gives it a feminine twist. I have on my high-healed boots to complete the ensemble. I give myself the once-over and decide now is as good a time as any to move on.

I walked over to my desk in the near empty squad room and collected my things. Every memory that lay here was now being shoved roughly into a single cardboard box. Complete with Elliot, and all thoughts of him, they would soon be buried somewhere in the Deep South along with my feelings and heart.

ELLIOT POV

I slept in my car outside the precinct to keep a close eye on Olivia. I didn't know why she had all of her stuff in her car except the furniture. "Maybe she's moving to a nicer place," I thought, "Maybe she got a larger salary after her promotion and she's moving on up." I kept these thoughts in hope one was true. I knew Olivia had always lived here and I know she would never leave this city… right?

Around seven thirty I saw Olivia, dressed in her blues, exiting the precinct carrying a cardboard box and her duffel she had taken in with her the night before. "Why would she have that box if she wasn't moving somewhere else?" my logical side thought. "She's just doing some spring-cleaning, nothing to worry about!" my denial side thought.

I shifted my car into gear and headed off towards downtown to watch the love of my life get the promotion of her life.

OLIVIA POV

"This is it!" I thought as I parked my car in the designated spot and climbed out. I saw Cragen already talking to the headmen who were giving me the promotion. I approached quietly, trying not to gather any more attention then I was already getting.

It was an outdoor ceremony on the steps of 1 Police Plaza. The building had been virtually shut down for this and was drawing media attention on the national scale. There was a press line down the street and people already getting to their seats. I approached Cragen quietly and placed a false smile on my lips as I sat next to him.

"Ah! Detective! Your captain just informed us you would be leaving the NYPD." The Chief of D's asked me.

"Yes sir, I am."

"Well the department will be missing their best detective." He smiled a genuine smile and it took away some of my fear towards this event. I slowly looked out in the audience to search for the face I knew would never be there.

The Chief of the Department cleared his throat into the microphone and began the ceremony.

I nearly blocked out the entire speech, I was just looking, searching, hoping for that face to somehow be there. I tuned back in when he said "… and now Detective Benson, I would like to announce you are now Lieutenant Benson." I stood up and everyone cheered. They handed me a plaque, my medal I was to wear on my uniform, and shook my hand. I gave a smile and a thank you as I sat back down.

They ended the ceremony rather quickly. Fin, Munch, Casey, and even Alex were there on the side of the stage waiting for me. They engulfed me in a giant hug. Tears were shed, hugs were given, and false promises to stay in touch were exchanged. We said our goodbyes and I turned to Cragen. He had always been like a father to me and he would definitely be the hardest – behind Elliot- to leave. He engulfed me in a hug and tears freely flowed down my face, Cragen was also crying.

I broke the embrace and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. His eyes were red and watery, a sign to anyone that he had been crying. I knew I needed to go so I slowly turned away and walked off towards my car.

ELLIOT POV

I sat at the back during the ceremony. I had a baseball cap on and tried to dodge anyone who may know me. I watched as she searched the crowd. I had a glimmer of hope it was for me, but I knew it couldn't be, she had moved on unlike me.

She got up to accept the award; she looked stunning. I couldn't believe how fit she had gotten. She looked leaner and more muscular and healthier. She sat back down and I could tell something heavy was weighing on her. She didn't have the same life in her eyes she used to have, especially when it had to do with a higher rank and more power to help the vics.

After the ceremony I saw Alex, Casey, Munch, and Fin waiting to hug her. They all looked so sad, I saw them all wiping their eyes and sniffing. I didn't understand this; it was supposed to be a happy day full of joy, not a sad teary-eyed one. I knew something major was up when she turned to Cragen and they both began sobbing. I was really beginning to question the positive voice in my head telling me it was nothing, that she was just excited about her promotion.

I saw her break the embrace with Cragen and kiss his cheek softly. That was definitely and inappropriate gesture and would not be done under any circumstances… unless she really was leaving and that other voice in my head was correct. "But she wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to you!" The voice kept saying to reassure myself, "But that's what you did to her…" Now I was really worried. She walked over to her car and sat down, taking off her cap. I had made it across the parking lot to my car without being seen. She started her engine and was off.

I sat in my car for ten minutes just waiting for something to happen. I slowly shifted in gear and headed towards her apartment. I finally decided it was time for her to know how I really felt. I was going to tell her how much I loved her.

OLIVIA POV

I pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards the off ramp to I-78 to I-95 to Florida. This was the last I'd see of New York for quite a while. And then I said goodbye.

**A/N Alrightyyyyyy I hope everyone liked that… I would love to know what you all think about Olivia being shot while in Florida and being sent back to NY or Elliot comes to see her while in the hospital down there… any ideas? Thanks for reviewing! **


	5. Chapter 5

ELLIOT POV

I made the drive over to Olivia's apartment in record time. When I got there all the lights were off so I assumed I'd somehow made it there before her. An hour past and the thoughts began swirling around in my head: "Maybe she went out for drinks with the guys… but they'd all said goodbye already… maybe she is going to stay with a friend for a couple of days… but why would she have so much stuff with her… maybe that all was just trash that she was throwing out…"

My thoughts were interrupted by a Good Will tuck pulling up in front of her building. "See?" I thought, "She's just giving away some stuff, nothing to worry about!"

When the movers began bringing down some furniture, I still blew it off as she was just getting rid of some items she did not want anymore. Then I saw her couch, then her TV, then her chairs, then her side tables, and finally her bed, mattress included. That's when I began to really worry.

I jumped out of my jeep and took off towards one of them.

"Hey, man, you've got a lot of stuff to move out of there!"

"Yea it was a big load, lady said to take it all."

"Really? That's odd…"

"She said her apartment came furnished wherever she was goin' so she wouldn't need anything else from there."

"Did she say where she was going?"

"Nah, sorry man… you know her or something?"

"Just an old friend…" I headed off towards my car, not knowing what my next move was, or what to do. I drove home and plopped on the couch. Tomorrow I was going to go to the old squad room and figure all this out. When I saw her I was telling her I loved her, no matter what.

OLIVIA POV

Ten hours in and I was already exhausted. A twenty-one hour drive was both a blessing and a curse, a lot of time to think, and also too much time to think about Elliot. I had made up my mind, he had both gotten the letter and ignored it like my calls, or he read it and thought I was some kind of freak who was going to stalk him. I didn't know which was worse and thinking about it over and over again was not going to help. I pulled off at the next exit finding a comfortable looking Holiday Inn and checking in. I pulled out my phone to see one text from Alex asking me to call her when I stopped.

I dragged one of my suitcases to the elevator and pressed the five as I dialed Alex's number.

"Hello?" a sleepy Alex answered; I forgot it was almost three in the morning.

"Oh shit, Alex I'm sorry I forgot what time it was! Go back to sleep!"  
"No Liv, it's fine… how was the drive so far? Where did you stop?"  
"I stopped in a town called Latta, in South Carolina… I'm a little over halfway."

"Oh Liv, that's great!" she was trying to sound interested but it's hard to at three in the morning.

"Well just wanted you to know where I was, next time I'll text you." I threw in a little chuckle, as did she.

"It's completely fine Liv, let me know when you leave tomorrow and when you arrive. I love and miss you already!"

"Same here Lex." I clicked the end button on my iPhone. I brushed my teeth and took a quick shower. As I lay down for bed I can't help but think about where Elliot is and what he's doing…

ELLIOT POV

The next morning I awoke with a start. I couldn't remember my dream but it had something to do with Olivia… as did most of my dreams lately. I got up to go get the newspaper and the mail.

I rubbed my eyes as I unlocked the door to my bachelor pad and trudged down the five flights of stairs to the lobby where I collected my newspaper and the small stack of mail I had received.

I trudged back up the stairs and flipped through the stack, one was a rather large brownish envelope with very familiar handwriting on the front. I took a second look at it and noticed the return address:

_Olivia Benson_

_131 West 110__th__ St. Appt. 4B_

_New York City, NY 10026_

My heart skipped a beat as I looked at the neat script written there. Olivia Benson had sent me something… I was hoping it was something amazing, like maybe a love letter and then I'd show up at her place and - my thought interrupted itself as I remembered I no longer know where she lives.

As I unlocked my door I threw the forgotten newspaper on the coffee table as I sat down with the envelope still in my hands. I thought about what might change if I opened this letter and found something amazing, or how horrible it would be if it turned into something horrible…

I carefully tore the top of the envelope open and tilted it over. What fell out nearly killed me. It was the necklace I had given her along with a nicely handwritten letter.

It read:

_Elliot,_

_ I understand that you don't want to talk to me. I have come to realize that you didn't leave simply because of the shooting. Elliot I know that I have told you nearly everything in my life and I now realize that I never asked what was wrong with yours. I see now that this was my greatest flaw. I want to apologize for that and every other thing that I have done that has ever harmed you. I would also like to thank you for the support you have given me over the years. I also want you to know that after my promotion I will be leaving and never coming back, I don't expect you to follow me or call or even give a damn but I would like you to know that my relation ship with you was not going to be over after the shooting. I do NOT blame you for anything you did. I do how ever blame you for not allowing me to tell you this in person. I had been waiting to tell you since I got back from Oregon but things kept getting in the way. After the shooting I waited for you to reach out to me, when you didn't I kept calling and always wanted to leave you a weepy voicemail to get you to call me back but I didn't and don't want to be the girl who chases after the man who doesn't care about her. What I'm trying to say Elliot is that I care about you enough to let you go and by letting you go I am letting everyone go, including SVU. When you finish this, if you don't throw it away right away, know that this is the last time you will hear from me. _

_I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world._

_I love you Elliot,_

_Olivia_

My eyes began to water as I realize what this is, this is a goodbye letter, this is the "Have a good life, I am never going to see you again" letter. This is the letter, which ripped my heart out and tore it into little tiny shreds.

I hold the necklace in my hand and think back to the ceremony, I remember not seeing it on her, but I assumed that it was for the brass, not because it was on it's way back to me.

Everything I had seen begins to make sense, the goodbyes from Alex, Casey, Fin, Munch, and Cragen. I remember the look in her eyes when she was saying goodbye, the look of utter sadness. And now I understand everything, she is gone.

OLIVIA POV

I wake up from a fitful sleep, it's now 4 am and I figure I may as well leave now and get the rest of my drive over with. I change and put on some light makeup since I will be meeting my new partner. I stop for a second and think about what has brought me to this point, the point that I would uproot my entire life, leave all of my friends who have become family, and leave, over a man. Then I remember, it wasn't just any man, no this was Elliot Stabler, the man who tore out my still beating heart and stomped on it.

And that's when I remember why I am doing this.

I shoot Alex a quick text and head out the door.

ELLIOT POV

I hardly sleep at all, and finally at 4 am I give up and go for a run.

I don't realize where I am until it's too late. I have somehow made it from my apartment, which happens to be five blocks away from Olivia's, TO Olivia's apartment. And now I'm standing outside staring up at the massive building, just thinking about her.

I suddenly have a leap of faith, a glimmer of hope, I think, "Maybe it's all my imagination! Maybe she actually is still up there and hasn't left yet! Or maybe she was never even planning on leaving at all, she just wanted me to pay attention and find her!"

I run to the door and press the buzzer to her apartment. No answer. I think again, she just doesn't want to answer and is playing hard to get. I lean on the other neighbor's buzzers until one buzzes me in.

I run up the four flights of stairs to her apartment and knock on the door. No answer.

She must be in the shower! I use my key to open the door. The key turns and I open the door. My breath is knocked out of me when I see a completely empty living room. I seemingly float to the other rooms to find them equally barren. It then hits me. She's never coming back. You're too late.

I feel myself die.

TWO MONTHS LATER

OLIVIA POV

The job is going really well, and I am greatly surprised. The first few days were rough getting acquainted with the city, and the people in it. My partner is actually a pretty nice guy, as is my boss and the rest of the squad. They're nothing like the 1-6 but they'll do.

I still keep in touch with the old squad, especially the girls and Cragen, but Munch and Fin call in every few weeks to see how things are going. I miss New York, but I love the beach here. West Palm is a great little city. I live in the smaller part downtown called Lantana; I go to breakfast with some guys from the squad at Too Jays and got some new buddies at the beach to teach me how to surf, I've actually gotten good at it. They call me Buggie Board Benson. Surfing has done wonders for my body, not to mention my social life. Since moving down here I've had a ton more social time and free time.

Since I have no more men running off potential boyfriends, I have actually had a few. Nothing serious, but the man I'm seeing now is named Ben. He is late 30's (the youngest I've ever dated) with shaggy blonde hair and a great body… and like most people down here, is a surfer. We spend most every night and morning together. He's amazing in the bedroom, and I sometimes I don't even see Elliot's face, or almost scream his name.

Things are really beginning to turn my way.

ELLIOT POV

Cragen wouldn't tell me anything. He said ever since I left Liv hasn't been able to work the way she used to. He didn't want me messing up this part of her life too. It hurt when he said that, but I knew it was true. I had messed up her life, and now she's moved on… the only problem was, I hadn't.

I began working for a private unit in the police force. Even though every morning and every evening I would wake up because, in my dreams, Olivia was back and in my arms. That is, until I wake up grasping at my cold pillow.

My thoughts were interrupted by my phone ringing, the screen showed Cragen's number. He hardly ever called… I have no idea why he would be calling now.  
"Hello?"

"Elliot…" his voice was hoarse and rough.

"Don, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Elliot you need to get down to Florida…"

"What? Why?"

"Olivia's been shot… it doesn't look good…"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Lots happening… try to keep up! Review please! Thanks for reading!**

DAY OF THE SHOOTING

OLIVIA POV

Detective Robert Downey, my next to favorite partner ever. He has beautiful green eyes and lots of hair… he reminds me of John Stamos simply because of his features. He is a well-respected detective and is very capable, he has really gotten me to open up, much like my favorite partner. We talk for hours about everything and nothing. When we work, he is always professional but jokes about me and guys. Since I've been down here I've seen several… he always scoped out potential mates for me, he is the one that actually fixed me up with Ben at the bar after surf lessons. He would always comment on whose butt looked the cutest... At first I was really confused because most straight men would deny ever looking at another man, that is until he told me one night that he was, in fact, gay. It wasn't that big of a surprise but now we both check out dudes together. It's a wonderful relationship.

"Liv, we've got a case!" I hear Rob shout across the desks from me. At first I didn't like anyone else calling me Liv, but now it's sort of comforting to know SOMEONE is that close to me that we have nicknames for each other.

"What've we got?"

"White female, between the ages of 15 and 18, raped beaten, shot in lower abdominal, took about 1 hour to bleed out."

"Jane Doe?"

"Jane Doe."

After finding out the background on the Vic and learning that she was actually named Nicole LaGuardia and was from Latina background.

"I think it's the boyfriend." Rob stated after looking over the potentials again.

"I don't… I think he was nice and too sweet to murder the girl he loved."

"I think we should check it out anyways… cover all our bases, plus he has no alibi and admitted seeing her that night." We grabbed our badges and were out the door.

The drive was only 15 minutes, as we approached the house we saw the door open, which was odd since he lived alone. Guns drawn, we crept into the house; he motioned for me to go up the stairs directly in front while he cleared the bottom floor. I took the first couple steps without making a sound, then on the third to last step it creaked.

I cringed, and then out of nowhere a giant burley man came charging at me, I didn't have time to react as he hurled me down the stairs. I flipped a couple of times and smashed my head against the door effectively busting it open. I tried to sit up and grab my weapon, which had been thrown a good five feet away from me, but the same man who had made it to the bottom of the stairs beat me to it. He lunged at me and began kicking me over and over again in my side and in my head. I was screaming and trying to cover my head as best I could. A loud bang rang through the house, followed by a blood-curdling scream. I didn't realize it was coming from me until I heard Rob yell from the other room.

Everything was moving in slow motion, and through tunnel vision. I heard another pop, and then Rob was leaning over me. I couldn't hear him but I saw his lips moving. I moved my hands over his on my right side and lifted them up to the light. I could see the blood running over my hands, I suddenly realized that I couldn't feel the pain anymore, I simply felt light, like I was floating on a cloud. I couldn't feel Rob's hands putting pressure anymore, nor could I see him. I felt myself slip off into a warm haze as I whispered the one name that could keep me from death.

"Elliot…" and then it was all gone.

ELLIOT POV

My knees grew week and I began to falter from where I had stood up.

"Elliot! Elliot! You have to be strong for her right now."

"How…?" was all I could muster, it felt like it had been me who was shot… shot right in the heart.

"They were going in to question a suspect, he threw her down the stairs then beat her and shot her in her side. She has massive brain hemorrhages and many other internal injuries."

"Chances?"

"She's in a coma right now…"

"Don, what are her chances?"  
"About 10% of her ever waking up… they didn't think she'd make it through the night…" My heart broke again. She believed I didn't care for her, she left because of me, and she was now dying in some hospital in Florida because of me.

"Elliot, don't blame yourself. Her partner said right before she went unconscious she said your name."

This was still like a dream, I kept waiting to jolt awake and everything be back to normal. That time never came.

We, being Cragen, Alex, Casey, Munch, and Fin, were all on our way to Florida within the hour. The doctor had told Rob to contact any close friends of family Olivia had so they could say goodbye to her. Since Liv had no family other then Simon, he called us.

Once landed we all headed off towards JFK hospital, the waiting room was a dingy white with large chairs. Huddled in the corner seemed to be the group we were all seeking.

Cragen went to the front desk and asked for Olivia Benson, the corner group looked up.

"Are y'all here from New York?"

"We are, are you Olivia's squad from down here?" Cragen asked.

"We are. I am Captain Hughes, and this is Olivia's partner Detective Rob."

I immediately went over with hands balled up into fists, "So you're the ass hole that got my Olivia shot!" I was about to punch this ass hole in the nose.

"You must be Elliot." He stuck out his hand, which I just glared at.

"Enough Elliot!" Cragen yelled, "Right now we need to be there for Olivia, not so you can throw fists with her partner, understood?" I backed up and, still shooting daggers at Rob, walked over to the receptionist.

"What room number is Olivia Benson?"

"Are you family?" Oh shit I forgot sometimes they don't let other people in with the coma victims.

"Um… No… I'm her… boyfriend…" She looked at me with skepticism.

"Really? Well she must be one busy girl then."

"What?"

"Her apparent OTHER boyfriend is in there now with her." My face must've looked as shocked as I felt because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. MY Olivia had a boyfriend? And he was here visiting her in the hospital? It must be serious…

"Okay, I'm not her boyfriend, I am, or was, her best friend. I am a detective with the NYPD and her former partner. Now I suggest you let me in before I collar you for obstructing justice."

The nurse thought for a moment and, sighing, shrugged. "Room 204."

I took off quickly down the halls and up the stairs to the coma wing. I counted down the doors until I saw the room marked 204. Just as I was about to knock the door swung open to reveal a young boy, no later than 38 in age, wearing worn khaki shorts and a cut sleeve shirt. He had shaggy blonde hair and splitting grey eyes. He looked to be a surfer and had a few tears in his eyes. I assumed this was the boyfriend.

"And you must be Elliot." He said extending his hand, "I'm Ben, Olivia's boyfriend."

Those words made me cringe. I should be her boyfriend, not some Ken doll.

"Ya hi, how is she?" the doctor said that she's still in there… but there's no telling for sure. They suggest we make arrangements." He sounded so mater of fact about this.

"How are you so calm?" I scoffed.

"I mean, ya it sucks, but she wasn't the love of my life or anything… I'll move on and so will everyone else." I shook with anger as he talked about Olivia like she was just a piece of garbage you use and throw away after you are done with it. He must not have noticed my anger because he added in at the end, "She was a good fuck though… Liked it good and rough." I hauled off and punched the kid square in the nose.

"DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT OLIVIA LIKE THAT AGAIN." I roared as I passed the now bleeding Ken doll and opened the door to Olivia's room.

Her body lay still in the hospital bed. Wires, tubes, and IV's came from every direction on her body. Her normally tanned skin was a sickly yellow color, she had a large bandage covering part of her head and her face was bruised and broken. She looked as though she had been someone's punching bag.

I stood at the door just watching, her heart monitor beeping at the same rate and her chest jumping and falling with the ventilator. This was the first time I had ever seen Olivia look so… life less.

I slowly walked over to her and pulled up a chair beside her bed. I was afraid to touch her in fear that she would break even more. I decided it couldn't hurt to touch her hand. I stroked the top of it gently with the tips of my fingers. Her hand was so cold… I couldn't believe how dead she felt. I suddenly had to see her beautiful eyes.

"Liv…" I whisper, in hopes my voice will bring her back to reality.

"Liv, it's Elliot… I want you to know how much… how much I missed you… how much I want you to be okay… Liv, I will NEVER give up on you. Nothing will change the way I feel about you, nothing will change how much I love you."

My eyes were watering by the end and I hopped by some amazing miracle she could hear me… that she knew I was there and would never leave again.

OLIVIA POV

I could feel something soft on my hand, yet I couldn't move or open my eyes. The thing felt familiar… It felt like walking through mud… I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was taking forever to get there. I tried to move my body but I couldn't lift my eyelids. Suddenly, the most soothing voice I have ever heard rang through my head, filling ever crevice with its sweet nectar and its beauty. I heard Elliot. I couldn't hear everything but I got bits and pieces. And suddenly, like being fired out of a cannon I catapulted toward the light. I had heard the three words slip from Elliot's mouth that I had been waiting an eternity to hear."…I love you…" those words rang out like a bell on Christmas morning. I had to give him a sign that I was fighting too.

ELLIOT POV

After saying this I sat and thought. Olivia should have heard those words every day of her life. She should have heard them from morning to night. She deserved them, every bit of them. I wanted her to hear me so bad…

And then, I felt it. Her fingers twitched slightly and lightly curled around my hand.

"Liv! Olivia, can you hear me? Oh my god Liv, I love you so much! Please please please come back to me! Liv I love you!" her hand tightened a bit more. It was a really weak grasp but enough for me. "NURSE! Hang on Liv, they'll come check you out!"

The nurses and doctors rushed in, "Look! She grabbed my hand! That means she's alright!"  
"Well sir," the doctor began, "It can also be an involuntary reaction of the body."

"No this wasn't! She was telling me she's still there! Please, just check her vitals and see if she's improved." The doctor reluctantly walked over to her breathing apparatus and checked the pressure. His eyes widened and called a nurse over. They checked another chart and discussed something in hushed tones. I took to stroking Olivia's hair gently and admiring her face, whispering nothingness into her ear. Her hand was still tightly in mine.

"Well, this is very strange… she seems to be able to breathe on her own… we were not expecting this… it's strange how things work out sometimes. Now I warn you, this can be temporary… some coma patients seem to get better and relapse back after a few hours… but for now, we will be removing her breathing tube." The doctor walked out and a few moments later a nurse was in the room with a pair of gloves and a cart.

"Aren't these things crazy? The doc said that he had told you all to prepare for her funeral and now she's improving drastically in under a day… this girl is a fighter!"

"Yes, yes she is…"

**A/N okay I hope I did this chapter justice… it was hard switching so many times and then to capture the emotion… I hope I did well! Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N super short chapter to let you all know I'm still truckin' on this story! Review as always! Love yall!**

ELLIOT POV

Olivia's condition was staying the same, she was now off her ventilator, but nothing else had changed. It had now been three days without any change. The only times I left was to use the bathroom, I had Don bring me food so I wouldn't have to leave, and my clothes were the same from the day I found out she was in here. My life pretty much stopped when I heard Don say those dreaded words.

As I sit next to her bed I think of all the great times we've had together. I think of all the times we've joked, all the times she's laughed… God I miss her laugh… when she laughed it was like the sky was opening up and the angels were singing. It was always so hard to get a good laugh out of her, but when you did, it stayed with you for months afterwards, the way her mouth curled up into a smile, and her eyes looked so alive and bright, her mouth, open and ringing with sound.

"Liv, remember that time when we got a night cap and it was at that random bar Munch told us to visit? Remember we walked in and all it was was guys. I started to get jealous, until one guy came up to me and winked asking if he could buy me a drink… you laughed so hard I thought you were going to pee your pants." I started to chuckle, "And the next day we went in and I kicked Munch's ass for embarrassing me in front of you. His ass was sore for a week."

I stroked her hair that wasn't in the bandage and studied her face. Even in this state she was beautiful, it almost looked as though— "SHE'S SMILING!" I screamed the nurse on duty ran in and checked her vitals.

"Wow, sir whatever you're doing, keep doing it. She had a massive spike in her brain activity, which means she was remembering something. That is a very good thing because when the mind works to remember things, it is also repairing itself."

"So I should keep telling her stories about stuff we did?"

"Yea, but don't say anything that may bring back bad memories because sadness causes depression, even in comatose victims and their 200 times harder to get out of with that."

"Thank you nurse."

I turned back to Olivia, "Hear that Liv? You're getting better! I told you I'd never give up on you." Her cheek twitched again. She could hear me. Now was the time to talk, when she couldn't run.

OLIVIA POV

I could hear Elliot talking to me, but it was more like surround sound with an echo. It was nice though. Sometimes when he would stop talking I would begin to panic, I kept thinking he was leaving me again. Then I'd feel a hand squeeze and I'd know that was him. Elliot began telling me about the time he and I went to a gay bar by accident and he kicked Munch's ass… it was one of the hardest I'd ever laughed. Elliot became very quiet for a while. I was confused because he had been talking about all our good times together and I went along for the ride. Suddenly I felt the hand entangled in my hand move. It untangled and began stroking my cheek.

Then I heard his voice again, "Liv, I never meant to hurt you when I left. I was trying to find myself and in turn I found you. I was never happy with Kathy, she was a good mother but a better friend, I knew when I married her she wasn't the one. Then this beautiful brunette comes along with legs to kill for, an ass that could stop a freight train, and an attitude to match!" I laughed on the inside, "And Liv, I divorced Kathy after I became obsessed with you." A sigh and a pause, "If you were awake right now I'm sure you'd be kicking my ass for all of what I'm saying… it's just that, Liv, you're the one… I know it… and I think I'd love you even if we never met."

He sighed and I felt the heat of his hand leave my face. I heard the chair being moved around and things being collected. I had to let him know I heard. He can't leave me again! Not after all of that!

"Elliot!" I scream as loud as I can. When I hear it it's hardly there, just a whisper in the wind… nothing Elliot could hear.

ELLIOT POV

After pouring out my heart I am ready to go die in a hole. I knew she couldn't hear me and that's why I copped out and did it when she couldn't. I am too much of a coward to tell her when she can see me and hear me.

I hear a faint mumble of something… I think it's my imagination but then I hear something that is very similar to a groan but also somehow my name. I turn around to see Olivia's eyes struggling to open, her mouth slightly parted.

I rush over to her side grabbing her hand, "Liv, Liv it's me, it's Elliot. Come on Liv open up those eyes! Liv let me see your beautiful eyes."  
Her eyes flutter open and slowly focus to the light. "El…" a slight smile graces her face as she struggles to adjust to everything.

"Hey Liv, baby, oh my gosh." My forehead rests gently on her upper arm as tears of joy spill from my eyes.

"El," she whispers hoarsely again, "I love you too…"

My face lights up. So she did hear me! Her feelings are the same! Her eyes flutter back closed and I begin to worry that she's slipping back into a coma.

"Liv, Liv baby wake up."

Her eyes open again and her brow furrows, "El, I'm tired let me sleep… ass…" her voice is still very weak but it's enough for me to hear. I smile, which is mirrored by her small but trying smile.

As her eyes flutter closed again I, still holding her hand, reach over to the call button and alert the nurse that she is in fact awake. They all rush in and look at me incredulously since she still looks like her former state.

"Liv, honey you have to show the nurses and doctors you're awake from a coma."

She groans and opens one eye staring directly at the doctor who pronounced her to be almost dead. "I am alive." She states as she closes her eyes again. The doctors and nurses, astounded smile at me, "She's one tough cookie isn't she?"

"Yea, she is."

**A/N sorry sorry really short I know but I had to let yall know I'm not giving up! It's still goin on! Let me know if anyone has ideas and also if anyone has a tumblr you can follow me:) .com thanks for reading! I love you all!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Finally updated! Sorry for the delay! Enjoy!**

The next morning I woke up in a horrible amount of pain. I struggled to open my eyes, and when I did I immediately regretted it. The lights from the room shone bright in my eyes making my head pound ten times harder in my skull. I choked back a groan as I tried to relieve my stiff muscles without causing myself any more pain.

"Liv? Liv, honey don't move. Are you in pain? Wait a second and I'll go get the doctor."

"El… I'm ok." My voice hoarse and rough sliced the air.

"Liv… you don't need to be in pain, it's not good for your body when it's healing. I'll call the doctor in here and get him to give you just enough to make you comfortable, How's that?" His smiling face looked down at me, his blue eyes bluer than I remembered. Unable to talk again I just nodded.

Two seconds flat a nurse was in there with a needle for my IV tube.

"Alright honey this will burn going in but will help with the pain. How's your head on a scale of one to ten?"

"Um…" I glanced over at a worried Elliot.

"Liv you have to be completely honest, don't look at me."

"An eleven." I answered hoarsely.

The nurse took some gauze from the cabinets and refreshed her gloves. She sat up my bed slowly causing me to wince in pain with every movement. Tilting my head forward she removed the used gauze covering what I assumed was my gash from the fall.

I watched Elliot's face closely as he observed the nurse's work. When I felt the cool air hit the gash I saw Elliot's eyes turn from concern to shock and a small gasp escape his mouth and I knew it must be bad.

"What exactly did they do?" I asked quietly.

"Well Ms. Benson what is the absolute last thing you remember?"

"I remember going to the place, to get someone… I remember being pushed down stairs… then fuzzy-ness… is that okay?" I asked concerned to what that meant.

"Yes Ms. Benson that is completely normal, you may also find yourself having trouble with remembering obscure things it can be someone's last name, your address, or some people forget their names and birthdates. Amnesia is a common occurrence with your type of brain injury. You may or may not restore all of your memory but once we move you out of the coma wing our doctor will have another look at you and we'll have some psychologists examine your deeper memories. Now you have four staples in your head, they will be removed in a week if you heal up well, the gash happened in a good location and they didn't need to shave much hair so it wont even be noticeable. As for your GSW you weren't so lucky with that one. You were shot directly through your stomach; this caused internal bleeding and resulted in us removing some of your stomach and a section of your intestines. The first time you eat you will be in pain so we are going to give you a high dose of painkillers when you get your first meal. The shot also nicked your left lung and a major artery which we repaired but with some difficulty. The reason your throat hurts so much is because we had a breathing tube in. Since you just had some painkillers we will go on and let you have some ice chips and see how you do with those then we can bump you up to something with flavor if you do well."

The nurse left and I sat there soaking up all that was just said. Elliot, also stunned picked up my hand and lightly kissed it trying to reassure me that everything would eventually be okay. I looked over at him and weakly smiled, "I wonder what all I've forgotten…"

"Wanna test it out a little?" I could tell Elliot was worried about that as well.

"Sure."

"Okay what is your full name?"

"Olivia Marie Benson."

"Date of Birth?"

"January 23, 1980."

"Uh… Liv… honey you were actually born in 1964." Elliot was trying to be as sweet as he could.

I laughed a little, "I'm joking Elliot… a girl can dream can't she?" He laughed a little as well.

"Okay parents?"

"Serena and um… oh crap I don't remember my dads name… he raped mom though right?"

"Yes sweetie you're right… his name was Joseph Hollister but he's dead."

"Oh… okay… wow the nurse wasn't kidding… I don't have any memory of that…"

"Okay lets move on and see what else. Where do you live?"

"313 North Country Club Drive."

"Well I don't know if that's correct but it sounds like it!"

"I'm 99.9% sure it is." I smiled widely proud I remembered something soundly.

"Alright I think that's enough for today… the nurse should be back with the ice chips soon." He lightly leaned over and gave me a careful gentle squeeze. His lips still close to my ear he whispered.

"I'm so glad you didn't forget me."

"How could I forget the one and only _Elliot Smith_?"

**A/N I'm terrible! I'm getting back into the swing of things with these stories! I hope you liked this let me know where you want it to go! I'll take any suggestions and as always I love you! -Roe**


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